Two Fugly Dogs Going at It

Outside the bus station today there were these two fugly dogs going at it, just going right at it on the sidewalk there. But no one seemed to think it was a real big deal, they just walked past without noticing these two dogs humping away in near silence on the sidewalk. 

In this particular area of town, dogs roam around as if they were real people, and that doesn’t bother anyone. It’s illegal, in a way, but the city’s pet population control agency must be busy elsewhere in the city. Maybe somewhere else in the city the dogs go breaking into small businesses or screw in the middle of intersections, barking all the while and causing a big ruckus, maybe in the financial district somewhere. Maybe in the good neighborhoods.

So sure this wasn’t breaking news of epic proportions, two dogs humping on the sidewalk, but these two dogs were so righteously fugly, you’d have to be dead to the world not to stop and stare for a minute at the carnal goings on. Two angelic golden retrievers going at it is enough to make a guy chuckle, the arching, jack-hammering back and the male dog’s awkward attempt at stabilization by clenching two front paws onto the back of the female dog.

These dogs were filthy, like they hadn’t run through water in months, or if they had, the water was even dirtier. The sun was hot today, and the one on top, the male dog presumably, was baking in the heat. His stringy hair hardened and then melted in the heat, and then hardened again. His tail, straight out, was patterned with leathery bald spots. One of his canine teeth was missing.

The female dog was obviously a different breed, a bit bigger than he, dark black, straight hair, looked like she came from money at some point way back and simply got away. One of her eyes didn’t open all the way, and she was missing a canine tooth, too, which made it seem like they had known each other for a while, which made watching them feel less dirty somehow. Maybe they were deeply in love, on an epic journey, or fighting the forces that sought to rip them, their morals, and the positive feelings of life and beauty, apart. Maybe they just met.

He was really going at it, his whole body rigid as if he was on the verge of death, except his back, which was slinky and springy. The only sound on the block was the scratching of his back paw claws scraping the concrete as he struggled for balance and effective positioning, and of course the occasional passing car. He pushed his chin out far, like he was trying to extend it into the future and he licked the air from time to time. He shot his tongue out like a lizard’s, tasting air in a way that no human could understand. What did he taste in the air? Whatever it was, it tasted good.

She seemed happy about the whole situation, but the more it progressed the greasier she looked. She turned her face this way and that, perfectly silent, taking everything in. Her one damaged eye did nothing, but the other scanned the sidewalk and the base of the bus station. She yawned at one point, but panted that happy pant dogs do, peaceful, content, ugly as hell as the manginess of life surrounded them and kept distractions out.

I walked over to the dogs and took a picture of them in the mid-coitus. I didn’t know how bad they smelled till I got close. Right when I snapped the photo, the she-dog turned and looked at me, her eye all pus-filled and her mouth wide open while panting. And the male was in the middle of licking the air, his chin poked out and his tongue sticking out an inch further. Her hair glistened and his hair clumped and the two street dogs found ecstasy right there on the sidewalk amidst the exhaust of buses on the hot side of the bus station, the one there on Third.

I walked into a nearby store for bread, the good kind with grains and oats, and the clerk was talkative, inquiring about the weather, asking me how my day was going and what was new, so I said, “I’ll show you what’s new!” and pulled out my camera to show him the picture I just took. He didn’t like it too much, just said, “C’mon man, why’re you showing me that?”

I got home with the bread and made grilled cheese sandwiches, one for my girlfriend, Jess. We ate them for lunch together and sat on the couch. I told her she had to see my picture, that the store clerk didn’t like it too much. She pulled the photo up on the camera and just said, “Oh my god!” I said, “Fugly, huh?” and she said, “Totally fugly!” Some people sit at opposite ends of candlelit tables. We know how to do that, too. But we sat on the couch and rolled on it left and right, hitting our knees together, just cracking up at the perfection.